Photo by Glenn Carstens-Peters on Unsplash

For a very long time in my life I have been asking myself a question that I have never seem to get the answer to. I have asked myself why do people commit suicide? As sweet as life is why would someone want to leave everything behind and just go. I Have asked myself if these people are in their right mind when they do this. What pushes someone to want to kill themselves while there is someone somewhere ready to give anything to have their life spared? Why would someone decide that it is their time to leave the world behind while its God’s place to decide? (only if you believe that). Then one day I came across a suicide note that made me look into suicide in a whole new perspective. Here is the note

To whom it might concern,

If you are reading this, it means I am already dead. I hope nobody will feel bad about me dying because I see it to be more beneficial than me being alive. I haven’t been very helpful in my entire life but rather a burden to everyone I ever met. As a kid I never made anyone happy, my parents in particular. I was a bad kid. Mom and dad, you raised me pretending to be happy to have me but I could see the regret in your eyes every time someone came to the house to bring a complain about me, or every time my results came from school. I was never in the top ten as Jacqueline and Grace. And me being your only son I was supposed to be your hero and make you proud but I didn’t. you kept raising me believing that I will wake up one day and everything will change but it was never that way, I became worse day after day. I have been a shame to you not only as a kid but also as an adult. Looking at myself right now I feel unworthy of the love that you have been giving me all this time. Love is a two-way street and there has never been any traffic in my lane. I have been given love by almost everyone I meet and the only thing that I have managed to give them in return is pain and regrets. I feel so selfish I even hate my own image in the mirror. I have tried to make things right, but guess what? I screwed up even more. I thought you could show someone you love them by just trying to save them from themselves but I was wrong. I broke up with my girlfriend because I thought I wasn’t the right guy for her so I wanted her to have someone else, I was wrong. I came to realize that instead of leaving her I could have changed who I am for her and that would have mattered a lot. But there is no way for me to do that now because she promised me that she will hate me to her grave. Please tell her I am sorry and if I could go back and change everything I would.

I have been living a life of regrets for a very long time and that has been eating my heart. I no longer sense pain, love or even happiness anymore. I feel like my soul has been frozen and I think the only way I can unfreeze it is by leaving the world behind me. Yes, life is beautiful and sweet but there is no way you can feel that if you had the life I had. Let me remind you that this is none of your fault because I am the one responsible for everything that’s happened in my life. I know right now you believe that you will miss me but in real sense the only thing that you will be missing is the hard times that I have been giving you all this time. If you will have a funeral ceremony for me please tell everyone the truth, never be ashamed of my death because that is exactly what I have wanted it to be. Tell those who will come to my funeral that life is short and they should live everyday of their remaining lives not parting ways with their loved ones but rather building a stronger relationship with one another. Tell them to learn to ask for forgiveness when they wrong someone but most importantly, they should learn to forgive themselves because most of the times we live with regrets in our hearts on the mistakes that have already been forgiven. I am going now, please use my life as a lesson and my death as an inspiration.

Yours lovely,

Son, brother and friend.

There it is. I hope you can pick a thing or two because I did and I would like to share it with you. The main thing that I picked from this note is a life of regret will never lead you somewhere good. This guy decided to kill himself because he thought he was no longer needed and the only thing that made him that way is his own regrets. We should at all cost learn how to forgive ourselves because that matters a lot even more than being forgiven by others. Regrets eats our hearts slowly but steadily and before we know it, we are heartless. A mistake that you did ten years ago or even the one that you did yesterday should never make you believe that you are a bad person. Remember that it is important to take care of how we think of ourselves because that matters a lot more that how others think of us. I observe, I think, I write.